This blog has been a journey for me. It has helped me to clear my thinking, listen to amazing advice, adjust my perspective. A lot of the time I have felt that I am running a race with the crew in Alice and Wonderland. It all seemed so surreal. When I wanted to start, everything else was stopped. When I wanted to stop, everyone was running past me. There never seemed any time to rest and look around, and then in the midst of it all, I was able to stand still, with everything moving past me, and learn to get my footing.
I have appreciated everyone who has read my words and given me that good advice--or not. Silent readers are just as valuable to me, hoping that what I've experienced and put into words has helped in some way.
I still want to write somewhere, but I don't think I can write about this anymore. My daughter is okay. She's not great and it's not as bad and unpredictable and insane as it used to be. I'm sure that there are a lot of reasons for that. I've accepted actions that I never would have in the past. She has calmed down. I'm not so anxious. I really can look around me on the worst day and accept it. I can also look around me on the best day and be euphorically grateful. I just feel as though I am starting to write about the same feelings and emotions and fears and worries and that is starting to make me feel that little twinge of anxiety in my gut. I don't know if things will ever be normal or healed. She may die from this eventually or she may choose to finally start putting all of her energy into fighting for herself instead of looking for the excuses to not fight. I don't know. I just feel as though I need to move on. I have done a pretty good job of facing the ghosts in those places that housed bad memories. I feel that I may be inviting them back, writing about the same thing only in a different place.
So, thank you for helping me on my road to healing and understanding. I pray that healing happens to you all. Remember, God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of Power, Love, and a Sound Mind.
Signe
Isn't it an amazing transformation when we finally reach that place of acceptance. Healthy or not they are our children and we love them. It really does set us free to just live and that is a good thing. I too, don't' know if my girl will ever really be ok, but each day I choose to take her as she is. Ive stopped looking at the ultimate place of "recovery" or "well" or "healed" and I am learning how to be ok with where we are. I will miss you but understand the need to move on.
ReplyDeletei fully understand this last post....i will miss your insight, your honesty to such a painful subject. i want to thank you for all of your posts, i hope they stay up; i have a tendency to read, reread these blogs over and over. and each time i do; i come away with more hope and understanding of addiction. especially to know im not alone. i have gained confidence to open up, as little as it is; its a HUGE step for me......thank you and i hope you do continue to write at some point.......take care of yourself .
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