All of Those Ripples

Things are moving along, here.  All except for the humidity which seems to want to linger and linger.  School has started back up and honestly, it's like summer never was the way the routine kicks back in and life goes on.

Home is moving along, too.  As always, good and bad days, but the majority of days seem to be smooth and I'm thankful for the more normal routine.  We do have discussions still, and one that comes up and I must say is kind of a sticking point with me through this journey has to do with figuring things out.  Specifically, the discussion always circles around to how lopsided this figuring out has been.  She has only had herself to try to figure out (why does she do this, what are her triggers), where I have had to try and figure out my thoughts and reactions as well has her's and if we look at all of the ripples that tossing that stone causes, I am also trying to figure out my son's behavior during this as well as what other family member might say or think (which is why they don't know any of this).

I have been sober this whole time, trying to catch and analyze all of the triggers, reactions, behaviors, emotions--all of it--to try and figure out the bigger picture.  Sometimes I resent it, even though I have learned a lot from it. To be honest, I could probably write a whole book on resentments, but I don't really like wallowing there too long, so I doubt it would be healthy.

Anyway, I only mention this because we recently were talking about it here, and the conversation, as usual, didn't end that well because apparently I am rarely seeing it from her point-of-view.  Honestly, I'm not sure she fully understands her point-of-view that well, anyway.  I'm not mad, just stating what happened.  It is what it is--very comforting words that I now live by.

Going on Memory

My daughter and I were talking a few days ago.  We were talking about things we'd like to do some day.  Big ones, she wants to sky dive at some point, and little ones, I want to go for pie and coffee at a diner after dinner sometime with my childhood friend.  Anyway, she had some definite ideas I on the other hand could only come up with the pie and coffee idea, and even that came with some considerable thought.  "Mom, really?  That's all?"  was her response.  I thought a minute longer and, "Yep, that's all I got right now,"  was my response.

I thought a little more and a flicker of a light bulb (you know like the ones in the old Frankenstein movies that crackle and flicker before the big power surge) started glowing in my mind.  I realized that I had been taking care of other people for so long, and putting their needs and feelings before mine, that I have lost track of what I want.  I'm not complaining.   Just stating a fact.  I was married young and had my children young.  I took care of them and him, then my mom, now my dad, even though he lives alone, my life still revolves around him...it's why I'm not living at the beach right now.  Anyway, I'm not resentful or angry, I made the choices and I wouldn't exchange the time I had with my children and parents for anything and still, in doing for them, I seemed to have faded away somewhat.  Add to that the stress and energy that a job entails and living with an addiction and, well, you tend to lose track of you.

I told this to my daughter and she was sympathetic.  She admonished me to start taking care of myself.  (Really?)

So, today I tried.  I was outside reading my book, and I started thinking.  How do I take care of myself?  Each time I think of the little ways I would pamper myself before children and big responsibilities, I recall the time and  I took  soaking in a bubble bath with lit candles decorating the bathroom, and yes, incense wafting through the room.  The devotion to putting on lotion, brushing my hair, listening to music and putting on make up.  It was fun.  It made me feel refreshed and ready for whatever.  I felt pretty.  I also felt more focused.  I tried to think putting on lotion with that same graceful patience, today, but my mind jumped to no, I have to be done by this time, to do this and then go there, and pretty soon, no lotion.

Focus, I need to focus. Like someone revived from a long sleep, I need to focus on one pampered moment.  When I accomplish that, I'll move to the next.  My mom gave me a book ages ago, about taking care of yourself.  I love this book. It's full of pictures of this young girl (about my age at the time) who is showing all of the ways to take care of yourself.  Even the picture of her exercising is peaceful, not that aggressive, intense, can I say angry, look that a lot of exercise trainers show.  She is gently smiling as she does a sit up, or lifts a five pound weight.  It's all so gentle and calm.  Sadly, I haven't been able to find it in a while, so I'll be going on memory.  Does everything have to be a challenge?

Yeah, but...

I have been working on trying to appreciate what I have, despite the struggles my daughter continues to go through.  I was tired of writing about the same thing over and over.  We have good days and bad days and days stuck in limbo.  It has been so hard for me to look past my own anger and frustrations with this life.  If lives weren't so intertwined or love wasn't so strong, it would be a lot easier to look past her life and appreciate mine, more.  But that's not what happens.  I think, I have a great job.  Yeah, but she's still struggling.  I have amazing friends.  Yeah, but she is still isolating herself.  Yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but.  I have pushed though some mindsets that I thought I never would, but that attachment to your child, that invisible umbilical cord, can stretch to infinite lengths.

I don't talk about it with my friends anymore, those few who I trust with this part of my life.  In that way, I've come full circle.  Good changes, some.  Bad changes, a few.  No changes are still in the lead.

Anyway, I found an amazing book.  Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander, M.D.  I recommend it to anyone who may have doubts or if you just need that extra oomph of clarification and proof.