Heightened Senses

I've read and heard that once you lose one of your sense, the others kick in and become more heightened.  Well, I've lost my sense of security and now my other senses: smell, taste, touch, hearing, seeing, and insecurity are heightened.  That is my second stage heightened senses.  I used to feel secure.  I don't mean locking my doors at night or making sure I don't park next to a van when I'm out.  I mean security as in a security of not being on high alert in my home or around my daughter. 

I used to be able to come home kind of mindlessly.  Walk through the door, leave the chaos of the day behind me outside, and then relax my thinking.  If something was out of place, it was because it was accidentally bumped, or I didn't even notice.  If my daughter was sleeping on the couch it was because she had had a hard day, too, and was taking a nap.  Normal behaviors that people do in the security and comfort of their homes.  Not anymore.  Well, not long term, anyway.  For several years now, I've walked through the door, not anticipating the security and protection of my home, but gearing up for a mental and emotional sweep of my surroundings.  Is something out of place?  If she's napping on the couch, has she been drinking?  Is there a scent that is out of place?  I enter my house like an undercover psychic detective, quickly taking in my surroundings and mentally assessing, "Is there anything wrong with this picture?"  I am living the Waldo books, only instead of looking for Waldo, I'm looking for the signs of addiction.

When I talk with her, I'm studying her with the agility and scrutiny of Sherlock Holmes.  Her words.  Her actions.  Her temperament.  Even the way she carries herself.  It is a quick analysis. I have been able to refine my technique over the years.  It used to take a lot longer, and I would have to follow her around (which I'm sure was annoying to her) talking with her, waiting for her response so that I could make my mental assessment.  When she is in cahoots with her addiction now, I can tell within seconds.

When she decides to stop drinking, and it lasts for more than two weeks, I begin to let my guard down.  My drive home isn't as anxiety filled.  When I come through the door, it starts to feel like it used to, like home in the days before addiction.  But, and this is the honest truth, I can be at work, and all of a sudden, I feel a queasiness in my stomach and the thought that she's bought alcohol comes into my mind, and when I get home, and begin my mental sweep, the signs are clear and it is confirmed.  When that happens, I can feel the rest of  my senses flick on,  and I'm in high gear; that fleeting sense of security being robbed from me, again, by a most cunning and persistent nemesis--addiction.