I used to know what I wanted. I wanted a new house. A new location. To be thinner, happier, a famous writer, go back to Italy for a week, hike in the woods. On and on. I was thinking the other day, though, even though there are things, like having dessert at a diner, that I consider to be honest with myself, I really do not know what I want anymore. Okay, let me qualify that. I know that I want my children healthy and well, safe and content. I want that for them. But this whole Alice in Wonderland, down the rabbit hole trip that I've been on has really just sucked out all desire for me. I really did plan on looking for a new house, I even started packing some things up, but even that has become less of a driving force, especially when I try to tackle ALL of the stuff that I have accumulated throughout the years. I pack up a few things and look around and feel so overwhelmed by the daunting task of separating what to keep and what to get rid of that, I get discouraged and walk away from it. The everyday routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, playing with the dogs and going to bed is so monotonous to me, yet, there is kind of a heavy comfort to it too.
Ugh. It this the effect of overwhelming stress and worry? Have I become so used to the falling that I don't even care to reach out and grab onto something anymore? That's what it feels like. I'm not complaining, I'm just stating a fact. I'm not even sure if I don't like this feeling. I'm really not sure what I'm feeling. I'm not happy or sad or afraid. I am gliding in neutral.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Confused
Someone help me understand this thinking.
Normally, my daughter is so sharp mentally. Quick wit, smart, insightful, and then there are days like today, well, really yesterday. Things were fine here. We are having good talks. She seems to be developing a better understanding and relationship with God. It even gets to the point where I fell like this madness is all over--She is finally strong enough to either not need alcohol or want it. But then, I come home yesterday, and I can tell we are back down the rabbit hole. We don't argue anymore about it. In fact, the stretch between falls is extending, though not extinct. It is what it is. So, today, as I was doing my usual Saturday morning laundry and cleaning, I went into her room and found her sitting there petting the dog. I sat down on her bed and asked her what had happened for her to do this. She told me that yesterday she was thinking at how far she should be in her life by now, but isn't. (She has in her mind that she is a certain age and should be at a certain place in her life). I listened. I wanted to interject, but I listened. I wanted to make that, "Really?" face. But I didn't. I listened. When she was finished, I told her I wasn't going to argue. That I had heard what she had said, but was confused. I told her (reminded her?) that alcohol is the only reason that she isn't where she feels she should be. Alcohol is the only thing that has held her back. Alcohol is the only thing that has robbed her of all that she feels she has lost. So...why run back to it? Why not just keep working hard and pushing forward? Why, would you run to the very thing that has been holding you back? (I might have been making the "Really?" expression as I was talking, though I truly was trying not to). I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I also told her that ironically, with all that has happened and all that is on hold in her life, the only real waste of time has been being so lenient with pursuing and fighting and working for her sobriety. The harder she works toward that, the more her life will unfold-- if she would just stay sober.
She listened. I left. Life goes on--well, mostly.
Normally, my daughter is so sharp mentally. Quick wit, smart, insightful, and then there are days like today, well, really yesterday. Things were fine here. We are having good talks. She seems to be developing a better understanding and relationship with God. It even gets to the point where I fell like this madness is all over--She is finally strong enough to either not need alcohol or want it. But then, I come home yesterday, and I can tell we are back down the rabbit hole. We don't argue anymore about it. In fact, the stretch between falls is extending, though not extinct. It is what it is. So, today, as I was doing my usual Saturday morning laundry and cleaning, I went into her room and found her sitting there petting the dog. I sat down on her bed and asked her what had happened for her to do this. She told me that yesterday she was thinking at how far she should be in her life by now, but isn't. (She has in her mind that she is a certain age and should be at a certain place in her life). I listened. I wanted to interject, but I listened. I wanted to make that, "Really?" face. But I didn't. I listened. When she was finished, I told her I wasn't going to argue. That I had heard what she had said, but was confused. I told her (reminded her?) that alcohol is the only reason that she isn't where she feels she should be. Alcohol is the only thing that has held her back. Alcohol is the only thing that has robbed her of all that she feels she has lost. So...why run back to it? Why not just keep working hard and pushing forward? Why, would you run to the very thing that has been holding you back? (I might have been making the "Really?" expression as I was talking, though I truly was trying not to). I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I also told her that ironically, with all that has happened and all that is on hold in her life, the only real waste of time has been being so lenient with pursuing and fighting and working for her sobriety. The harder she works toward that, the more her life will unfold-- if she would just stay sober.
She listened. I left. Life goes on--well, mostly.
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