Tired, again.

I'm tired. 

I'm tired of a lot of things, but mostly, I'm tired of this addiction thing.

I'm tired of being patient and understanding and sympathetic. 

Those most recent two sober months made me realize how wonderful life can be.  Even when situations aren't perfect, the fact that your children are okay makes any other little pitfall, just that--little. 

We had gotten into such a healthy, good routine.  She was working during the day. In the evening she would exercise and read or watch a favorite show. On the weekends she would run in the mornings and then read.  Later she would help around the house or we'd go shopping or on a little day trip.  I had slowly begun to open those shades that had been making life so dismal here.  I was letting the light of a normal life shine though and it felt so good and warm.

I had (actually we had) also started listening to a pastor on T.V. who I had heard several years ago when I was visiting another state., but only rarely could find him on T.V. here at home.  His name is Joseph Prince. He is from Singapore. His accent is heavy at times, but his message is amazing.  I like how he analyzes the bible and explains the Greek and Hebrew words, the symbolism and connecting the old and new testaments.  He has helped me begin to change my thinking. I credit his teachings with my lack of anger and resentment this go around with her deciding to drink.  I am calmer and not  angry.  Truly, I can't really say what emotion I'm feeling.  I just know what I'm not feeling.

Anger and rage are gone, but I'm still tired of all of this.  I'm even too tired to ask her what caused her decision to drink, this time. 

In the past, some of the reasons she gave for drinking were boredom, stress, anger, feeling lonely, feeling overwhelmed, feeling as though she's wasted time, feeling as though she's ruined everything, feeling, feeling, feeling.

I don't care about the reasons anymore.  At least not today.  Today, if she told me a reason, I would have to tell her that that reason wasn't good enough.  All of those reasons and excuses aren't good enough to rob you of your life. She will tell me that I don't realize how much she's trying.  My answer is try harder.  Is there really a limit to how hard we can try?  I can get tired of trying, but if I'm honest with myself, I can always try harder.  We all can. I want her to.  When it comes down to it, I can't think of one excuse or reason why you can't just keep trying harder and harder.  My thinking is if you can do it for one day, you can do it for another day.  If you can do it for two months, you can do it for two months and a day.  I have heard from several counselors that there will be set backs.  As if giving her permission to slip up.  I didn't like that idea then and I don't like it now.  I decline the permission to slip up.

I get that alcohol is everywhere. You can't turn on the T.V. or watch a movie where alcohol isn't involved.  There are commercials about alcohol.  What do you do when you go out?  Go drinking.  I get it's everywhere.  So what?  So are cakes and donuts and cheesecake, but I'm not eating those every chance I get.

Is it unfair that she can't drink?  Maybe.  But a lot of things aren't fair and life is still good.  It is what you make it.  Attitude is everything.  Grow up.  Just stop it already.  That's what I want to say, but I won't.  Mostly, because right now I'm just too tired.

Stuff

A lot has been happening since I last wrote.  My daughter finished her job, but she hated it. We had two months of sobriety and it was heavenly.  I truly did almost forget what all of the madness was like. Life felt so normal and healthy.  She did start drinking, again, shortly after I'm not sure why and once she was finished I was too exhausted finding myself treading water in those old emotions, that I really haven't talked too much with her about it.  Honestly, I just didn't want to think about it anymore. I'm so tired of this aspect of life--addiction.  I just want to say, "Get over it already! Move on! Quite whining! Grow some! Grow up! JUST STOP IT!"   But I don't.  I'm not sure why, though.

Another thing that happened was that we went on strike here for two weeks.  My first time walking a picket line.  It was amazing to see how a little power can affect people.  Some of it was a good experience, some of it was not. The whole thing was a learning experience. 

My computer broke and that was frustrating.  The irony of all of that was that when I first was introduced to a computer, back in the day, I wasn't too enthusiastic about it.  Now, I pout when it doesn't work the way it should. 

My dad turned ninety-one and we had a fight.  I hate that but I was trying to give him a small party and he was making it difficult.  Why?  Who knows, but that is how he is.  The good thing about that was that  when I called him on his birthday to wish him happy birthday, he apologized to me. First time ever that I think he apologized to anyone as far as I know.  It was nice but he could have prevented it all by just letting the situation be controlled by someone other then him for once. I guess that might be hard at ninety-one, though.

Last Saturday morning I got a call from my bank.  Someone had made a purchase with my card numbers at an electronics store in Oklahoma.  They wanted to know if I approved it. No, I didn't so they cancelled my card.  After I hung up, I left the house and drove to the bank to try and understand what happened.  Apparently there are people out there who are just constantly running numbers and when your sequence of numbers randomly pops up, they make a small purchase (mine was 5.74) to see if it goes through. If it does, a bigger purchase is next.  Fortunately they caught it before that happened.  My question to them was how would you know to catch it.  The answer is that my spending habits are profiled.  Somewhere in computer land some entity has been tracking what I buy, so that if something like this happens it is red flagged and I'm notified.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  On one hand I'm happy that they caught it, on the other hand, being a private person, I'm not happy that some unseen entity is following me when I'm shopping. Which, I don't do haphazardly. This has been a big inconvenience, though.  You can't just run to the grocery store unless you have cash which, good or bad, I've become accustom not to have.  So, I stew inside for a few minutes a day about invisible, selfish people who have effected my life in a negative way trying to make their lives easier.  Grrrrr.

So, that is what has been going on.  My mind feels as though it has not had time to settle down.  We have only been back to school for 11 days and it feels like three months.  I am a person of routines and I feel off kilter right now.  I feel unsettled. I feel as though I have had an overdose of emotions and now, I'm just mentally unable to push my thinking any further.  Though all of this, though, I have been doing some internal adjusting, especially with my thinking and spiritual attitude.  I'm trying to figure out how to write it down.  I think it helps me when I do that.

A Good Filter

I started this post over a week ago. On that Friday morning, I woke up at 5:00 am.  Plodded downstairs with the dogs following close behind.  I poured beans in the coffee machine and turned it on, then went outside in the backyard with the dogs and walked around in the cool air as the dogs sniffed around the yard and finished their morning routines.  As we all trooped back into the house, I could smell the aroma of the brewing coffee. Yum.  When I went into the kitchen, to my dismay, the coffee and grinds were spilling all over the counter.  I quickly pulled out the plug and threw a near by hand towel on the creeping coffee before it poured over the counter and onto the floor. What the heck happened?  I opened the filter section of the coffee and found that the filter was not there, it was still sitting in the dish rack.  I cleaned up the mess, put the filter basket in with a clean filter and started the whole process over again. 

A good filter.  If you don't have one, things can get messy.  Just like a coffee machine, your brain needs a good filter.  If you don't develop one, your thinking can spread in all kinds of directions, most of them unhealthy.  If we don't filter out all of the negative talk we hear and the talk in our own minds, we can lose track of what is truth and start believing a lot of untruths about ourselves and others. 

Life is still on track, here. It will be two months next week. It seems wonderfully longer.  She is still working at the job she hates. She is not a telemarketer, but she is on the phone a lot (that's all she does) verifying addresses for the company she works for. A lot of the time people are mean to her on the phone. She really hates that and I can hear in her voice when we talk at lunch, how sad it makes her.  But I am so proud of her for sticking it out. I think in the long run, that will help her repair her inner filter. I know words are powerful, however you give them the power.  Learning to not let everything someone says to you burn holes in your confidence is important. Especially, people who don't know you.

I am still working on my own filter.  Though I couldn't be happier, it is still a work in progress for me. It comes in waves, the hint of fear that this may all change. But then, deep inside is that inner voice that whispers to me that everything is on the path as it should be.  So, I readjust my filter so that I can discern the fears from what is actually happening.  Those fears of 'is she thinking of buying alcohol...maybe I should ask her,"  get tossed.  I've learned to not blurt out every thought that comes into my mind.  I have been learning that I don't need to revisit the past or that I don't need her to clarify a moment in the past when something happened when she was drinking.  Why would I even think to ask her that? Why would I want to resurrect those memories?  But I do.  Something inside me always wants clarification when in reality, it doesn't always happen and often takes the form of beating a dead horse.  It's over.  The past.  Done. Gone.  Even if I did get the answers, what is the point of reliving that hell?  Why drag her thoughts back there?  That is how worn down my filter is, so I'm mending it day by day.  One day at a time works for me, too.