I have a reoccurring 'what if' scenario concerning my daughter, her addiction and my role as an enabler. First, let me say that I have come a long way from my days of denial. I'm pretty clear on the situation here. I'm not in denial any longer. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm happy about the situation or that sadness and regret are constant companions or that I accept the situation, I'm just resigned to the situation.
During this, though, I do think about the 'what if's'. One 'what if' I think about is, 'What if I hadn't interfered? What I mean is, would things be different with her recovery if I hadn't dumped out alcohol, had those knock down fights. When she was drunk at school, rather than run and get her, let someone else find her. Would she have gone to jail? Been kicked out of school instead of graduating? I think of all of the bad things I helped her to avoid. Could she have also avoided meeting people who could have helped her? Would she have hit a bottom so low that she would never recover or would she have hit a bottom that would cause her to recover? So many emotions and fears. So many questions.
Then I think about times when people are drinking and you shut them off or take their car keys so that they can't drive. I've done that (taken her car keys) to avoid her hurting herself or someone else. Heck, I've done that with friends in the past. Is that interfering or averting a potential tragedy? Telling the difference has become difficult. It all starts to blur together. I get sick of thinking about it sometimes, but because it never leaves, I can't help but think about it.
Because of how she's been treated in emergency rooms in the past (some of those doctors can be very condescending) she refuses to ever go back to a hospital. That means no medications, so I have been relying on vitamins, minerals and food as medicine. I have researched a lot of information on the brain and how it functions. What alcohol takes away from the body.What if I just let it go? What if I didn't help her like that? I am always afraid that, during one of her drinking spells, she will have a seizure, lose her mind or I don't even know, more what ifs? So many horrible scenarios have auditioned in my mind as very viable outcomes. I do try not to think about them. Also, as I've written before, I have been able to talk with her about her situation. Though she still gets mad or defensive about certain topics, I do think there has been progress.
And then there's prayer and God. Can't God work in any situation? Do you really have to be in the worst situation for God to make an entrance? Does He only show up when when you're at your lowest? My impatience with 'God's time' vs. our time causes a lot of frustration. What if He's through with us?
So, that's what I think about. Sometimes. More times than I really want to. Pretty much everyday.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Lake Antonio and the Soviet Onion
I am teaching the states and capitals. It is a lesson I think is brushed over in school. The memorizing is important. Learning about the country where we live is important. Each time we talk about a new state or city, the students either express their desire to go there or they share an adventure they had visiting a place. Either way, their faces light up with the memory of a good experience or the dream of one they would like. We often use the globe as well as the book and some videos. I bring in pictures of the places I've been and any souvenirs I've purchased.
Teaching and correcting papers is a learning experience. You can have a lesson planned down to the pencils you're passing out and still, some other idea or concept sprouts from the lesson and you're down another path. You have to be very flexible when you're teaching. Sometimes, you're teaching a lesson, it's going smoothly, and no one is asking any questions to clarify anything. You've succeed in getting the concept across in a way that everyone understands; and with so many different little brains and distractions in the room, getting everyone to understand at one time is a real accomplishment.
I thought I had done that. We were talking about the great lakes. I gave a paper to work on finding information about the individual lakes. I told them about HOMES and how to remember the names, where they were located, etc. I was correcting the work yesterday, and this one student who is always a joy to work with even though he can be 'challenganging' he always brings an interesting perspective to what is being discussed. Anyway, I was correcting his paper and he has labeled all of the lakes, I'm checking the names, Lake Superior, Lake Erie, Lake Huron, Lake Michigan, Lake Antonio...what? It made me laugh out loud. At the end of the assignment, I wrote: Do you have a question about what we've learned so far? He wrote: What is soviet onion? I was stumped. Though we did talk about what each state produces, onions never made it into the discussion and we've never talked about soviet anything. Then I remembered the globe. It has been in the classroom for years, and the students like to see where we are as compared to other places we talk about. They also like to spin it and touch their finger to it, as it spins, to see where they will 'land.' The Soviet Union is labeled on that globe. After backtracking through the day, (he had the globe) I smiled to myself once I understood.
It made me think, though. We assume people are understanding what we're saying when we're saying it. Even when they say they understand, do they really understand what it is you were trying to say? Regardless of how gingerly we choose our words there are times when what we say is not what 'they' hear. That miscommunication is no one's fault, but it can cause a lot of frustration and arguing if you don't stop and backtrack to understand where the person is coming from. It makes communicating more deliberate. Word choice becomes more personal. A conversation requires more time and patience. But isn't that relationship worth it?
Teaching and correcting papers is a learning experience. You can have a lesson planned down to the pencils you're passing out and still, some other idea or concept sprouts from the lesson and you're down another path. You have to be very flexible when you're teaching. Sometimes, you're teaching a lesson, it's going smoothly, and no one is asking any questions to clarify anything. You've succeed in getting the concept across in a way that everyone understands; and with so many different little brains and distractions in the room, getting everyone to understand at one time is a real accomplishment.
I thought I had done that. We were talking about the great lakes. I gave a paper to work on finding information about the individual lakes. I told them about HOMES and how to remember the names, where they were located, etc. I was correcting the work yesterday, and this one student who is always a joy to work with even though he can be 'challenganging' he always brings an interesting perspective to what is being discussed. Anyway, I was correcting his paper and he has labeled all of the lakes, I'm checking the names, Lake Superior, Lake Erie, Lake Huron, Lake Michigan, Lake Antonio...what? It made me laugh out loud. At the end of the assignment, I wrote: Do you have a question about what we've learned so far? He wrote: What is soviet onion? I was stumped. Though we did talk about what each state produces, onions never made it into the discussion and we've never talked about soviet anything. Then I remembered the globe. It has been in the classroom for years, and the students like to see where we are as compared to other places we talk about. They also like to spin it and touch their finger to it, as it spins, to see where they will 'land.' The Soviet Union is labeled on that globe. After backtracking through the day, (he had the globe) I smiled to myself once I understood.
It made me think, though. We assume people are understanding what we're saying when we're saying it. Even when they say they understand, do they really understand what it is you were trying to say? Regardless of how gingerly we choose our words there are times when what we say is not what 'they' hear. That miscommunication is no one's fault, but it can cause a lot of frustration and arguing if you don't stop and backtrack to understand where the person is coming from. It makes communicating more deliberate. Word choice becomes more personal. A conversation requires more time and patience. But isn't that relationship worth it?
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Thinking
I was doing bus duty on Friday and four of us were outside with the buses. As the buses were pulling away, one of the other teachers started talking about the hair cut she didn't like (It looked great). But to her, she was insistent that one section didn't look right. The three of us stood in front of her squinting and searching. I know I didn't see anything wrong. Finally, someone said, "I don't see it." We all chimed in with the same sentiment. It looked good to us. Then she started talking about the wrinkles around her eyes and the new cream she has been using in her attempt to try and erase them. She's very pretty and the lines around her eyes are minimal, but they do show that she laughs and smiles during her day (is that really such a bad thing to hide from the rest of the world?) Again, the three of us squinted and studied and almost in unison this time, "You look great." But she couldn't see it. Kind of like in the, 'King's New Clothes,' She was imagining everyone saw what she saw, which was somehow distorted and intensified in her mind--she was relying on what others see to validate what she feels about herself. I think we have all done this at one time or another. I know that pretty much my whole life I haven't been satisfied with how I look, until a few years later, I see an old photograph and realize I looked pretty good. The first thing I think of is all of that wasted time not liking how I looked. Body Dysmorphic Disorder I think is what it's called. When you see yourself as distorted in some way rather than how the rest of the world really sees you. I don't understand how the eyes and brain get the information so mixed up, but it happens. I imagine it would be a very freeing moment when your vision finally aligns with what everyone else is seeing.
It made me think about addicts and recovery and the people around them waiting and watching. Is some kind of dysmorphic disorder at play while we watch those we love, struggling with sobriety, but in reverse? While we watch and stare and notice or wait for all of the signs and symptoms of being actively under the influence are those in the struggle, who are making attempts at being sober, victims of our skewed vision and thinking? Are we the ones who are watching so intensely and wanting so desperately that our vision gets skewed and we don't see the small progresses working in the person with an addiction. Are they the ones looking back at us trying to convince us that, 'Yes, I am trying...though maybe not in ways you can see or appreciate?' Does our distorted vision of our expectations for the addict in our lives hinder the progress attempts? Is this where the non-judgment comes in? Since we can never change them and they are in control of their choices, should their choice of one day sober be good enough for us? Since a good support system is important to recovery, does a view prejudiced by fear and wanting, taint the support system?
I always want more, but I started thinking that while my daughter is sober, I'm always worried and watching for the signs of her drinking, again. Even when I 'start to forget', there is always that little sesame seed of fear getting caught in my thinking. I love my daughter. Do I just appreciate what time she chooses to 'be here' and let the rest go...the worry, fear, anticipation? I think, yes I should. I know it is hard to do, wanting a sober good life for her so badly is like having marionette strings attached to my actions. Sometimes I do things, out of that wanting, that I wouldn't normally do. Anyway, it was just something I was thinking about as I try to understand how this all works.
It made me think about addicts and recovery and the people around them waiting and watching. Is some kind of dysmorphic disorder at play while we watch those we love, struggling with sobriety, but in reverse? While we watch and stare and notice or wait for all of the signs and symptoms of being actively under the influence are those in the struggle, who are making attempts at being sober, victims of our skewed vision and thinking? Are we the ones who are watching so intensely and wanting so desperately that our vision gets skewed and we don't see the small progresses working in the person with an addiction. Are they the ones looking back at us trying to convince us that, 'Yes, I am trying...though maybe not in ways you can see or appreciate?' Does our distorted vision of our expectations for the addict in our lives hinder the progress attempts? Is this where the non-judgment comes in? Since we can never change them and they are in control of their choices, should their choice of one day sober be good enough for us? Since a good support system is important to recovery, does a view prejudiced by fear and wanting, taint the support system?
I always want more, but I started thinking that while my daughter is sober, I'm always worried and watching for the signs of her drinking, again. Even when I 'start to forget', there is always that little sesame seed of fear getting caught in my thinking. I love my daughter. Do I just appreciate what time she chooses to 'be here' and let the rest go...the worry, fear, anticipation? I think, yes I should. I know it is hard to do, wanting a sober good life for her so badly is like having marionette strings attached to my actions. Sometimes I do things, out of that wanting, that I wouldn't normally do. Anyway, it was just something I was thinking about as I try to understand how this all works.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Confession
Everyone I know is overly stressed. Like the fall scents that start drifting through the air this time of year--smoke from some distant fireplace, cooler air, turning leaves (yes, there is a fragrance to them), the ripe apples in the tree next door--there is a 'scent' of stress, here, too. Teaching isn't what it used to be even 5 years ago. The amount of assessments, paperwork and progress monitoring that has to be done, in addition to the state tests and pressure to have all students be 'proficent' by 2014 (think about it...really?) it takes away from the actual teaching. I love teaching. I love watching the students learn and interact. I enjoy hearing their conversations and perceptions. A child's view can help keep your view fresh. State mandates zap that joy right out of the classroom.
There is stress at home, of course. No state mandates there, but the joy has been zapped. I don't know why, but I started thinking about all of the things I've done to reach my daughter and help release her from the grips of this addiction. At the time I decide to do these things, I am completely hopeful and totally committed to the idea. Look, if you believe in God then you have to believe everything that goes with it. For one, I believe that we are in a spiritual battle--all of the time. The bible is full of amazing, mystical events. A donkey that talks, walking on water, raising the dead. God used words to create the world. Words must be very powerful. Thinking is powerful. Believing, faith, all of it carries a lot of good energy. So, why not apply it? (This may show how much my brain was pushed to the edge as a result of living with addiction, but as I said, at the time it made perfect sense). Don't laugh. And please don't think I'm crazy, though, maybe that is part of the effects of this maddening disease--you get a little crazy with your thinking. Okay here are some of the things I've done. Sometimes on Saturday mornings, my friend and I go shopping and there is this church who's doors are always open. There are candles to light. I've lit enough candles to light a small city. In that same church, you can buy (for a donation) little bottles of Holy Water. I bought some once, and would pour little drops in my daughters tea, juice, water, whatever it was she was drinking...and she didn't know. I snuck it. I did it when she wasn't looking. On one of those occasions (actually, it was the first time I did it) she ended up having to go to the emergency room. The doctor asked me if there was anything different that she may have taken. I felt stupid, but thought I should fess up, and told him I put some holy water in her drink. After an uncomfortably long silence and him studying me to see if I my head was going to spin in a circle, he said, "Yeah, well, um...I don't think that would be it." ( Darn, I should have kept my mouth shut). I found several prayers on line from healing to freeing from addiction, to protection and good health. Some were in Hebrew, some English, some Rune symbols. I printed them out, rolled them up and tied them around the metal headboard of her bed with green ribbons. I periodically tape protection and healing symbols on her bedroom door. I change them out like you change holiday wreaths. I submit her name to prayer groups--all kinds. I bought her a healing bracelet from Nepal. One time, I used a Wiccan (I'm not Wiccan) spell thing where you write the person's name on paper with the 'desire' and throw it into a stream or river, I threw it in the creek down the street. This is what I do when desperation picks me up for a ride. I've never admitted this to anyone, but I was thinking today that maybe it's not good to keep it bottled up. Confession is good for the soul, right?
So, that is what I was thinking today with stress levels rising and rationality starting to waiver, and my beautiful, lost daughter reconnecting with her demons.
There is stress at home, of course. No state mandates there, but the joy has been zapped. I don't know why, but I started thinking about all of the things I've done to reach my daughter and help release her from the grips of this addiction. At the time I decide to do these things, I am completely hopeful and totally committed to the idea. Look, if you believe in God then you have to believe everything that goes with it. For one, I believe that we are in a spiritual battle--all of the time. The bible is full of amazing, mystical events. A donkey that talks, walking on water, raising the dead. God used words to create the world. Words must be very powerful. Thinking is powerful. Believing, faith, all of it carries a lot of good energy. So, why not apply it? (This may show how much my brain was pushed to the edge as a result of living with addiction, but as I said, at the time it made perfect sense). Don't laugh. And please don't think I'm crazy, though, maybe that is part of the effects of this maddening disease--you get a little crazy with your thinking. Okay here are some of the things I've done. Sometimes on Saturday mornings, my friend and I go shopping and there is this church who's doors are always open. There are candles to light. I've lit enough candles to light a small city. In that same church, you can buy (for a donation) little bottles of Holy Water. I bought some once, and would pour little drops in my daughters tea, juice, water, whatever it was she was drinking...and she didn't know. I snuck it. I did it when she wasn't looking. On one of those occasions (actually, it was the first time I did it) she ended up having to go to the emergency room. The doctor asked me if there was anything different that she may have taken. I felt stupid, but thought I should fess up, and told him I put some holy water in her drink. After an uncomfortably long silence and him studying me to see if I my head was going to spin in a circle, he said, "Yeah, well, um...I don't think that would be it." ( Darn, I should have kept my mouth shut). I found several prayers on line from healing to freeing from addiction, to protection and good health. Some were in Hebrew, some English, some Rune symbols. I printed them out, rolled them up and tied them around the metal headboard of her bed with green ribbons. I periodically tape protection and healing symbols on her bedroom door. I change them out like you change holiday wreaths. I submit her name to prayer groups--all kinds. I bought her a healing bracelet from Nepal. One time, I used a Wiccan (I'm not Wiccan) spell thing where you write the person's name on paper with the 'desire' and throw it into a stream or river, I threw it in the creek down the street. This is what I do when desperation picks me up for a ride. I've never admitted this to anyone, but I was thinking today that maybe it's not good to keep it bottled up. Confession is good for the soul, right?
So, that is what I was thinking today with stress levels rising and rationality starting to waiver, and my beautiful, lost daughter reconnecting with her demons.
Floating
Life has been going on, here. I was trying to think of how to describe it and all I could think of was surfing. Though I've never tried it, it's fascinating to watch. I suppose there are a lot of different emotions when you're actually participating. Well, I'm actually participating in my own surfing experience, here. I swam out five years ago. I spend a lot of time just sitting on my surfboard, legs dangling in the water, nervous and scared about the unseen 'things' bumping into my dangling legs and feet. Then, a wave comes and I pull myself up and become invigorated, again, by the excitement and freeing experience of riding the wave. While I'm surfing, it's great, once the exhilaration of the wave is gone, I'm fearful, again, and feeling very alone, floating out there.
That is what it is like, here. We've been surfing a beautiful, life-experiencing wave. I was beginning to think that this could be the moment when my daughter decides that she's done with drinking. But now I'm sitting back on the surfboard, afraid and distracted. She decided to drink, again.
I just don't understand this. I am tumbling around with all of the thoughts, again: Will I ever feel normal, again? Will I never not be distracted by thoughts that revolve around drinking and alcoholism? Will I ever feel like me, again?
What bothers me the most about her achieving sobriety is that her thinking can be a lot like her father's. He is the son and brother of an alcoholic. He's a big controller. What I found out about a year before I divorced him (started the process, anyway), was that he doesn't see life at it is, he sees it as HE thinks it should be. I think that is some kind of mutated, distorted thinking that a child develops in his situation, in order to help cope with the uncertainties of a home with an unpredictable alcoholic. That thinking, I believe mutates as the person gets older and without anyone trying to counsel them, they just get more embedded in that thinking. It does cause a lot of confusion and uncertainties with the person they are with. A lot of arguments grow out of that thinking. When is life ever what you think it should be?
You can tell her she will make new friends. She's convinced she won't. She thinks that because no one has been pounding on her door, it's a reflection of what a bad person she is, instead of the reality that people won't call if you continually don't call them back. Your lack of action not who you are inside is what caused them to not call back after five years. You've been romancing this addiction. Turn your attention to being well and healthy, and you will find someone good to romance you. Regardless of the argument, she finds a way to turn in against her. That is so disheartening to me. How do you show someone how valuable they truly are? How do you help someone who feels so hurt find hope? That's where I think God should come in and work a brain miracle. Rewire her brain somehow.
Anyway, that's where I am, right now. I'll get ready for work. Pretend my life is good. Pick up my car from the mechanic's (Sunday a hole must have developed in the muffler. Monday and Tuesday I sounded like a muscle car...people who were waiting for buses and walking were turning around to see what was coming down the road. Me. Embarrassing.) Come home and try to motivate myself to do something other than fall asleep on the couch. I'm so tired 'floating' out here waiting for the waves.
That is what it is like, here. We've been surfing a beautiful, life-experiencing wave. I was beginning to think that this could be the moment when my daughter decides that she's done with drinking. But now I'm sitting back on the surfboard, afraid and distracted. She decided to drink, again.
I just don't understand this. I am tumbling around with all of the thoughts, again: Will I ever feel normal, again? Will I never not be distracted by thoughts that revolve around drinking and alcoholism? Will I ever feel like me, again?
What bothers me the most about her achieving sobriety is that her thinking can be a lot like her father's. He is the son and brother of an alcoholic. He's a big controller. What I found out about a year before I divorced him (started the process, anyway), was that he doesn't see life at it is, he sees it as HE thinks it should be. I think that is some kind of mutated, distorted thinking that a child develops in his situation, in order to help cope with the uncertainties of a home with an unpredictable alcoholic. That thinking, I believe mutates as the person gets older and without anyone trying to counsel them, they just get more embedded in that thinking. It does cause a lot of confusion and uncertainties with the person they are with. A lot of arguments grow out of that thinking. When is life ever what you think it should be?
You can tell her she will make new friends. She's convinced she won't. She thinks that because no one has been pounding on her door, it's a reflection of what a bad person she is, instead of the reality that people won't call if you continually don't call them back. Your lack of action not who you are inside is what caused them to not call back after five years. You've been romancing this addiction. Turn your attention to being well and healthy, and you will find someone good to romance you. Regardless of the argument, she finds a way to turn in against her. That is so disheartening to me. How do you show someone how valuable they truly are? How do you help someone who feels so hurt find hope? That's where I think God should come in and work a brain miracle. Rewire her brain somehow.
Anyway, that's where I am, right now. I'll get ready for work. Pretend my life is good. Pick up my car from the mechanic's (Sunday a hole must have developed in the muffler. Monday and Tuesday I sounded like a muscle car...people who were waiting for buses and walking were turning around to see what was coming down the road. Me. Embarrassing.) Come home and try to motivate myself to do something other than fall asleep on the couch. I'm so tired 'floating' out here waiting for the waves.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Game Plan
Occasionally, when I ask my dad how his day went, he'll say it started with him feeling 'blah.' I think I have been feeling like that for the past couple of weeks. Not really motivated to do anything but what is necessary. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. My dad takes a nap and that seems to dissolve the blahs. I can't nap during the day now that school has started back. Plus, I'm not really any more tired than usual. I feel like one of those cars you pass along the side of the road, where everything on the car looks okay (no flat tire, or parts hanging off) yet, someone tied a little white rag to the driver's side door handle, and left. So there the car sits, in surrender, waiting for help to arrive.
I called for help. I called a friend of mine and asked her if she wanted to go to lunch. Sure! So, I picked her up Sunday afternoon and we went to this Mideastern restaurant. The flavors and spices in the food they bring are so healthy feeling (I don't know how else to describe it). We ate things like, hummus, babaganoush, tabbouleh and stuffed grape leaves. The meal concluded with Turkish coffee and a piece of baklava (in all honesty, that was so good, I could have bathed in it).
Not only was the meal nourishing, but, as always with her, so was the conversation. Several years ago, her son (he's a year older than my daughter) was playing baseball. I'm not sure how it happened, but someone hit the ball and it ended up hitting him in the head. The hit caused a concussion. The concussion has caused an even bigger ripple in the health of her son. He suffers from headaches, can't drive for long periods of time, for a while light was bothering him, and it seems to have had an effect on his temperament. He gets angry quicker and it seems as though he has a difficult time with it. Like he knows its happening but the feeling is so quick and strong he hasn't developed the skills to grab that feeling to wrestle it down. They live in a beautiful place. A creek flows right past their house. They have a large yard, so, now, when he's feeling mad, he'll either calm down by the water--just sitting and listening to it, or (and this made me laugh when she told it) he throws apples at the shed in her back yard.
As she was catching me up with what has been happening, she told me how she has changed her approach to her son's circumstances. When this first began, and she was still trying to understand it all (and she wasn't fully believing what he was saying--she wasn't comprehending the new, foreign situation) there would be a lot of yelling and fighting. Her son had to quit his job over this and is living at home. Though he did go to counseling and a rehabilitation place for brain injury, it has taken a long time for him to develop the skills. During that 'developing' time, is when the fights occurred. I remember her during those times and she was exhausted and drained. Everyone was butting heads and judging and seeing things from their point of view instead of surrendering to the situation and working from the ground up to build a new set of rules to deal with this very unique situation.
What she told me on Sunday was so simple, yet so hard to do in the midst of turmoil. She said that it just came to her to start being more loving. She doesn't react in rage, she is calmer. She makes sure to tell him she loves him everyday. She includes him in everything, even if he can't participate. She tries to touch him more. A hug, her hand on his shoulder. The little things that are so often brushed aside in a busy day. I watched the peace in her face as she told me this. What popped into my head is how biblical it was. 1 Cor. 13 describes what love is and if God is love then, that is a good guideline of how to act if we choose to follow it.
I know from my own experience here from last summer to this past summer. The summer from hell was filled with anger and hate and rage and ignorance. Things got better once my thinking changed and I started from scratch to work on a different game plan. I guess the game plan is love.
I called for help. I called a friend of mine and asked her if she wanted to go to lunch. Sure! So, I picked her up Sunday afternoon and we went to this Mideastern restaurant. The flavors and spices in the food they bring are so healthy feeling (I don't know how else to describe it). We ate things like, hummus, babaganoush, tabbouleh and stuffed grape leaves. The meal concluded with Turkish coffee and a piece of baklava (in all honesty, that was so good, I could have bathed in it).
Not only was the meal nourishing, but, as always with her, so was the conversation. Several years ago, her son (he's a year older than my daughter) was playing baseball. I'm not sure how it happened, but someone hit the ball and it ended up hitting him in the head. The hit caused a concussion. The concussion has caused an even bigger ripple in the health of her son. He suffers from headaches, can't drive for long periods of time, for a while light was bothering him, and it seems to have had an effect on his temperament. He gets angry quicker and it seems as though he has a difficult time with it. Like he knows its happening but the feeling is so quick and strong he hasn't developed the skills to grab that feeling to wrestle it down. They live in a beautiful place. A creek flows right past their house. They have a large yard, so, now, when he's feeling mad, he'll either calm down by the water--just sitting and listening to it, or (and this made me laugh when she told it) he throws apples at the shed in her back yard.
As she was catching me up with what has been happening, she told me how she has changed her approach to her son's circumstances. When this first began, and she was still trying to understand it all (and she wasn't fully believing what he was saying--she wasn't comprehending the new, foreign situation) there would be a lot of yelling and fighting. Her son had to quit his job over this and is living at home. Though he did go to counseling and a rehabilitation place for brain injury, it has taken a long time for him to develop the skills. During that 'developing' time, is when the fights occurred. I remember her during those times and she was exhausted and drained. Everyone was butting heads and judging and seeing things from their point of view instead of surrendering to the situation and working from the ground up to build a new set of rules to deal with this very unique situation.
What she told me on Sunday was so simple, yet so hard to do in the midst of turmoil. She said that it just came to her to start being more loving. She doesn't react in rage, she is calmer. She makes sure to tell him she loves him everyday. She includes him in everything, even if he can't participate. She tries to touch him more. A hug, her hand on his shoulder. The little things that are so often brushed aside in a busy day. I watched the peace in her face as she told me this. What popped into my head is how biblical it was. 1 Cor. 13 describes what love is and if God is love then, that is a good guideline of how to act if we choose to follow it.
I know from my own experience here from last summer to this past summer. The summer from hell was filled with anger and hate and rage and ignorance. Things got better once my thinking changed and I started from scratch to work on a different game plan. I guess the game plan is love.
Monday, September 3, 2012
On the Mend
I have been trying to get healthy. After summer school was over, I spent August trying to focus on my health. I used to be pretty healthy. No aches or pains. I rowed, walked and gardened without any problems. Last November is when I started going down hill. I've written about it before, here. Not feeling up to my normal self, forced me to review a lot of how I was living my life. I wondered things like, are we really what we think? Do our thoughts and worries really boomerang back to us? I remember commenting on various occasions that I would hate to be in chronic pain. Hello, here I am in chronic pain. I've told my daughter the same thing, that she has become everything she talked about that she didn't like, hated even. (So, why is it the negative thoughts that come to fruition, and not the positive ones? Hmm).
Anyway, I began reading articles, talking to friends, and trying to center myself so that I could relocate the person I was. I liked that person. The person I've morphed into is not someone I'm comfortable with. I'm physically more than I want to weigh. I'm mentally more negative and less spiritual than I like. I'm emotionally pinging from numb to fear to anger to sadness. I'm not me. Where do I start?
I had to start with the pain. It began with the wellness day at work last spring, but I only utilized the aloe vera juice as an anti inflammatory. I swear by it now. Every morning I have a 1/4 cup, before I drink anything else. I started using food as medicine. I became a vegetarian way back in tenth grade. I remember how after a few weeks I felt 'lighter' and ended up losing 20 lbs. without effort. After I had children, I began eating chicken. I eat a lamb gyro every now and then, too. I decided to go back to the way I ate before. I was more conscience about what I put into my body. So, it's been more natural, less processed. No white sugar. I buy raw sugar and raw honey. I also started reading about the flora in your digestive tract and that if that isn't healthy, then the food and supplements you take aren't as effective, so I discovered something called Keifer. I drink two glasses of that a day. I do take several vitamins, probably more than I need to but I can't wrap my head around the idea that all of the vitamins I need are in one multi-vitamin--all of those vitamins listed in the ingredients in one pill, really? So, I take singles. (It's me, I know).
I have started moving more. It's hard to move when you hurt. It feels better to find a comfortable position and stay there. Not the healthiest thing to do, but moving in pain is unbearable. Sitting without pain feels a lot better. However, not having the metabolism that I did at 20...yep, I put on some weight. I felt 'blocked' or stuck. I was not used to not moving. After the majority of the pain started to subside, my daughter and I started stretching to this beginners yoga DVD I bought at a yard sale. I love it. I can already see a difference in how I feel, physically. So, now I stretch. I can walk up and down the stairs without feeling like I'm 90 (though, my dad will be ninety in 2 weeks and he has been more spry then me). I will start walking in the fall. I'm taking things slow. The last time I started feeling better, I over did it and found myself back on the couch.
Emotional and spiritual is taking longer. The spectre of addiction is still lurking in the corners of my home. It still has influence over my daughter and has also managed to infect me with emotions and feelings that I would normally overcome. I am still processing how it has changed me. When you're in the middle of it, it's like being in Dorothy's tornado; everything is swirling around and you can't grab on to any one thing. Once you land, you see everything sprawled around you, your personal life, your emotions, your fears, your child. Learning what to do and not do is hard. It's confusing and often goes against your very nature. I am still so angry about so much. I am hurt. But I'm trying to work through this. A very good friend of mine has given my name to a spiritual counselor. I look forward to talking to her.
Anyway, that is what I have been doing. I have noticed how insidious addiction is and the way it seeps into your behaviors so slyly that you're changing even though you don't realize it, until one day you wake up and don't recognize the person you see in the mirror. You don't feel like yourself. Sometimes I feel as though I was spirited away as I slept four years ago, and dropped into a dark forest on an unknown planet. I have been trying to fight the unseen demons, while trying to keep my family alive. It's hard work and it takes a toll. But I feel as though I'm finally on a familiar and comfortable path. I'm finally on the mend.
Anyway, I began reading articles, talking to friends, and trying to center myself so that I could relocate the person I was. I liked that person. The person I've morphed into is not someone I'm comfortable with. I'm physically more than I want to weigh. I'm mentally more negative and less spiritual than I like. I'm emotionally pinging from numb to fear to anger to sadness. I'm not me. Where do I start?
I had to start with the pain. It began with the wellness day at work last spring, but I only utilized the aloe vera juice as an anti inflammatory. I swear by it now. Every morning I have a 1/4 cup, before I drink anything else. I started using food as medicine. I became a vegetarian way back in tenth grade. I remember how after a few weeks I felt 'lighter' and ended up losing 20 lbs. without effort. After I had children, I began eating chicken. I eat a lamb gyro every now and then, too. I decided to go back to the way I ate before. I was more conscience about what I put into my body. So, it's been more natural, less processed. No white sugar. I buy raw sugar and raw honey. I also started reading about the flora in your digestive tract and that if that isn't healthy, then the food and supplements you take aren't as effective, so I discovered something called Keifer. I drink two glasses of that a day. I do take several vitamins, probably more than I need to but I can't wrap my head around the idea that all of the vitamins I need are in one multi-vitamin--all of those vitamins listed in the ingredients in one pill, really? So, I take singles. (It's me, I know).
I have started moving more. It's hard to move when you hurt. It feels better to find a comfortable position and stay there. Not the healthiest thing to do, but moving in pain is unbearable. Sitting without pain feels a lot better. However, not having the metabolism that I did at 20...yep, I put on some weight. I felt 'blocked' or stuck. I was not used to not moving. After the majority of the pain started to subside, my daughter and I started stretching to this beginners yoga DVD I bought at a yard sale. I love it. I can already see a difference in how I feel, physically. So, now I stretch. I can walk up and down the stairs without feeling like I'm 90 (though, my dad will be ninety in 2 weeks and he has been more spry then me). I will start walking in the fall. I'm taking things slow. The last time I started feeling better, I over did it and found myself back on the couch.
Emotional and spiritual is taking longer. The spectre of addiction is still lurking in the corners of my home. It still has influence over my daughter and has also managed to infect me with emotions and feelings that I would normally overcome. I am still processing how it has changed me. When you're in the middle of it, it's like being in Dorothy's tornado; everything is swirling around and you can't grab on to any one thing. Once you land, you see everything sprawled around you, your personal life, your emotions, your fears, your child. Learning what to do and not do is hard. It's confusing and often goes against your very nature. I am still so angry about so much. I am hurt. But I'm trying to work through this. A very good friend of mine has given my name to a spiritual counselor. I look forward to talking to her.
Anyway, that is what I have been doing. I have noticed how insidious addiction is and the way it seeps into your behaviors so slyly that you're changing even though you don't realize it, until one day you wake up and don't recognize the person you see in the mirror. You don't feel like yourself. Sometimes I feel as though I was spirited away as I slept four years ago, and dropped into a dark forest on an unknown planet. I have been trying to fight the unseen demons, while trying to keep my family alive. It's hard work and it takes a toll. But I feel as though I'm finally on a familiar and comfortable path. I'm finally on the mend.
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